Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Start of Our Baby Journey

Do you ever feel like you are at a crossroad in life? I feel like I am there right now! About 2 years after my son was born I decided to have my tubes tied. I was a 24 years old single mother with 2 children. I was scared but certain I had my boy and my girl and I was done. Its so funny how God works. If I had taken my blinders off I would have seen I was making the wrong decision. God brought my husband into my life about 2 weeks before my surgery. I had no idea that when he sat next to me on a bench at a car-wash and just smiled that I was looking at my future straight in his eyes. I thought who is this guy? Then he just got up and walked away. You see he was the manager of the car-wash and my mother worked there as the cashier.  I had no idea who he was. It was a few days later that he asked for my phone number and I of course didn't give it to him!  He found it anyway (probably from my mom) and the first time he called me was to actually check on me after my tubal ligation surgery.  He asked me if  I wanted to go out to dinner and I agreed but made it a double date with my sister and brother in law because I was so nervous!  We had a great time and have been together ever since.

We moved pretty quickly we were engaged in April and married by November of that same year.  He had 2 children as well so neither of us were interested in having anymore kids. There came a point where that changed. We were both young parents and still had a lot of living to do. I'm not sure when you actually feel "grown up" but I think we have come to that point in our life. We are settled and in real love and want to share the pregnancy experience and raising a baby, together. Although he is very much a father to my two kids and his own we still yearn for a baby of our own. We have had almost 8 amazing years to grow as a couple. We have worked out all sorts of kinks. We didn't get married because I was pregnant or because it was the next logical step in our relationship. We got married because we wanted to, because we knew that we had found our soul mate. We fit together like a puzzle.  I had not felt that before. He often says that I taught him how to love or what love was really supposed to be like and he did the same for me. Now don't get me wrong it's not always rainbows and butterflies. We aren't perfect. We have had plenty of ups and downs as most do, but we never give up on each other. You have to stick it out and work at it everyday. For better or worse in sickness and in health in good times and bad!

Back to the Journey. We have doubters of course. People that ask why? "Your kids are practically grown, why do you want to start over?" "You have a grandchild, its to late." "It will take time away from your kids you already have, what about them?" I had lots of comments and questions from different people about it. I have felt discouraged at times when I think about the up all nights and crying fits because our kids are far past that stage. But then I think, so what! This is what WE want. Why should we put something that is so important to us and something that we truly want on the back burner because of what others think or may think? Why should our hopes and dreams for our future be dulled because of others? We are still young.  I have no doubt that if I hadn't of had my tubes tied back then that we would have had a baby that would be a toddler by now. I know God was trying to introduce my husband to me just before my surgery to get my attention. To show me that I was making the wrong decision but I didn't see it. My Dr and even my nurse didn't think it was a good idea but no one could tell me otherwise.

We are now at a crossroad. We CAN have a tubal reversal. We are at a point that it's a real possibility! We just have to take that step. It's scary to think how our family and life will change. Do I have enough room in my heart to love another child as much as I love the ones we already have? That may seem like a stupid question and it is really but the thought has crossed my mind. I know once I hold that sweet baby that was made from so much love that that worry will disappear. Am I going to be able to lose the baby weight? Am I going to be able to juggle everything? Am I going to be able to stay home and care for our baby or will I have to continue to work? Can we afford it? When you have a decision like this one there are so many questions that you can talk yourself out of it just out of fear, fear of the unknown and the what ifs. Fear is crippling sometimes but you have to overcome fear for anything good to happen!

Babies bring Joy. They also bring expense and tears! Is it worth it? I believe it is. I have taken away the ability for God to bless us with a baby of our own. I feel that by having the tubal reversal I am bringing that ability back. After that we will be on God's time. It may take months or years to conceive but I believe we were meant to be together and we were meant to have children together. All the opinions, fears and doubts don't really matter. God's timing is always perfect. If he chooses to give us another child everything will work out. Jesus said in Matthew 17:20  "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." My faith is much larger than a mustard seed so I know everything be just fine. I'll keep y'all posted on our journey. Have any of you been on this journey? Any encouragement would be appreciated. Leave your comments below.

<3, Jess

"Faith As Small as A Mustard Seed"  |  Matthew 17:20  |  by Laura Lin  |  #WWW #HUMC
annoys me to wait, but I know it's worth it
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 PETER 5:7-8 (KJV)
Luke 1:37 Free Printable